Death of a Christmas Tree

After last year’s fiasco with the tree refusing to light, and my husband swearing followed by my swearing and then the both of us swearing at each other, it had finally become time to take out the Christmas tree. Only this would not be as simple as one might think. It’s a large tree that might scare the willies off your average passer by walking down the street. Still, we could no longer take the threats and the abuse, no matter how many blood sacrifices were donated to the Gods as an offering to save us from hell. It was time to hire the best to eliminate it.

Cigarettes: 4 (all consumed while standing on street corner waiting for hit man).

Caffeine Units: Loads.

Weight: 200 some odd pounds of pokey branches, spindly weirdness and dangerous electrical wires.

Last night, purchased new Christmas tree with s.o. Went to big box department store and enjoyed having time to look at ornaments and other tree trimmings while husband went to sign paper work for tree. Also managed to run into v. nice woman who was also in search of new tree. Have discovered, am not only one who has suffered from numerous attacks upon self by ponderous, nasty Christmas trees. Could see it on her face. She carried the wounds with her while walking among twinkling lights and plastic evergreen.

Watching said woman walk among the trees reminded me of past. Seems so long ago now, but only six years have passed since giant, evil Christmas tree came into life. Have decided that snuffing it out is a v. good thing. Still, cannot forget first day of assembly, when many attempts were made to shove 200 pound box up two flights of stairs before finally realized was having blonde moment, and could disassemble the tree into smaller boxes. Tree nearly killed me that day. Am glad it is long in the past.

Let us not forget that tree was also very good at hanging on to broken glass ornaments. Would swear this was vengeance for having common, ordinary house cat. Sadly, cat passed on this year. Am sure that tree had something to do with it. Husband disagrees, but husband can never know the evil that lurked behind those branches. He will never understand.

Tree also had knack for finding ways to leave huge scrapes up and down arms, and all over hands that had no explanation after assembly. Realized that simply leaving tree in basement was not good enough after trip down memory lane. Tree was evil. Tree housed souls of thousands of broken, unhappy Christmas ornaments. Tree had to go.

Discussed removal of tree with man outside big box department store. Man seemed somewhat shady, but was willing to pay any price for removal of tree. He mentioned possibility of something called recycling, but got bad flash backs from Stephen King novel, Christine. Decided similarities were all too striking. No, tree had to be eliminated, never to shower hell on happy families at Christmas time again. I was firm on this. Man slipped me a note and gave me location to meet a man who would take on the job.

10:30 p.m. Last night. Dark street corner in middle of red light district. Am wearing goofy santa claus hat and green and red scarf as told to do in letter. Smoked far too much, and walked across street to Starbucks far too often. Was cold and snowy. Not wonderful, pretty snow either. Just sitting on the ground sort of snow. Not v. fun. Waited until man showed up who promised to sneak into house in middle of night and attack tree from behind. Gave him address and went to bed.

This morning, woke up and new tree was still standing happily in place after falling neatly into place with little trouble. Went to basement to check on old tree and lo and behold… tree is still there. Was ripped off. Gave man 30$ for tree elimination. Should sue.

Have absolutely no clue what to do with tree now. Only know that Christmas will be simpler without giant tree attempting to fall down on self, or gouge out eyes of self…

Merry Christmas to all!