Every day since Mugen died has been tough. Some mornings, I don’t even know how I get out of bed because I certainly don’t want to. Some days, the only thing I wake up for, is to take care of Jazzmin and Jet, who need me. Other days it’s not as bad. I have my moments where I don’t struggle. I don’t know how people ever feel whole again after something like this and the hardest part for me is that it was an accident. I can’t really blame myself or anyone else and it’s so much easier to be angry and to grieve when you have someone to blame. With Lucy and Reilly, I hit a place of acceptance not long afterwards. I hit a place where I was ready to move on because when I lost them, it was their time to go. It was not Mugen’s time. He was most certainly not called home to God.… [Read More]
When I think about Mugen’s life, I realize that I always thought that he was the dog in the background. He was my quiet little patch of puppy wonderfulness and serenity standing in Lucy’s shadow. After Lucy died, I could not have made it through grieving for her without him. He stayed by my side constantly and licked away my tears and then stole my dish towels to make me laugh. I can never express to anyone how special Mugen was. I’m pretty good with words, but Mugen was so much more than just my dog. He was my salvation and while I knew that, I didn’t think that anyone else saw him like I did. Now, when I think back on all the moments with him that I never told anyone about, the private ones, where we are sitting on the living room sofa and he has managed to pack his 70 pound self into my lap with his head on my chest and he sighs just before he starts to snore in my ear, I know how warm and full my heart was and I keenly feel the emptiness that has been left behind.… [Read More]
Everything is going to be the thing I did after Mugen died, for a little while.
There’s the cross stitch I made and the coffee I drank.
There’s the song I liked and the game I played.
Then the pictures I took and the life I had.
Mugen is missing from all of them. I planned for him to be here for all of this stuff. I planned to love him until he was an old man and needed help to get up the stairs. I had planned for him to be Jet’s brother until they were old men together.
That is not how things are going to be. Mugen passed away yesterday afternoon. Almost 7 months to the day after we lost Lucy.
I cannot explain how much rage I have inside me right now.
Part of me actually wants to believe that someone poisoned him because it would be easier for me to have someone to hate, but when I go through everything in my mind there’s just no way that happened.… [Read More]
A friend of mine messaged me on Facebook today and mentioned that she was sad that the new newsfeed settings didn’t allow her to see my posts. She had missed out on seeing all of Jet’s hilarious antics on Facebook because of it. I explained a workaround for that to her and hopefully she will start seeing my posts again soon. She mentioned a funny story about her Dad in her message that made me smile from ear to ear. Her dad passed away earlier this year and it was good to see her relate funny stories about him that I could tell were making her smile too. This is what Christmas is for. It’s about making memories with the people we love so that when the time comes that all we are is a memory, they have some wonderful stories to pass on.
This year has been tough for all of us in its own ways, but I’ve finally come to a place where I have made peace with all of the bad things that happened this year.… [Read More]
‘I gather my strength and I start off and it feels good, like I have no age at all, like I am timeless. I pick up speed. I run.” – Garth Stein The Art of Racing in the Rain
Many of you already know, that Miss Lucy is gone. I posted a longer version of the above quote on Facebook the day after she passed, but this is the part that stays with me when I think about the days after she died and when I think of what I know happened next for her. It doesn’t make it easier and I keep thinking that if I just believe hard enough that she is happy and she is free, it will get easier, but it doesn’t.
I have been reluctant to tell the story of how she died because I was saving it to publish in the novel I have been working on about Lucy.… [Read More]